Sword Art Online: Unlimited Mixtapes
by Normal Flesh Guy
Summary: A thought provoking piece of garbage. I'm so sorry if you like SAO. The writing style is subject to change depending on how I'm feeling.
1. Obligatory Intro

Boring Crappy Intro

My name is Crest because my parents named me after an American toothpaste, I know this because of a dog tag that was clipped to my wrist. Later I was abandoned in the woods and was raised by wolves (casually).

At age 9 I encountered my foster mother and nearly bit her hands off. She raised me and taught me how to read and write and do proper stuff like that. At age 12 I played my first video game, it was something that someone threw out in our dumpster, from then on I was fan. At age 16 I now worked as a part-time assistant in a fortune telling office and saved up my money for a Nerve Gear.

9 months after the purchase and just a few days off from my birthday. Sword Art Online finally came out of Beta and was open to public.

3 minutes till servers came online, I ate a huge sandwich.

The servers were already online for 8 minutes, I took a huge dump.

Hey no rush, the servers aren't leaving.

I grabbed the gear and laid down on my lawn. It's not like the wifi is better, since I'm using a LAN cable. Servers have been online for 13 minutes.

I pulled the helmet on.

"Lonk Start".


	2. Screw DLC

"Good morning. Welcome to Sword Art Online. The time is currently 9:13 A.M. Please input your name."

Name: The Kohaku River Gender: Male

Red Text appeared: *That name has already been taken, please pick another, you uncreative slug*

 _What? Already? It's only been 13 minutes?!_

Name: Crestiny Gender: Male

 _Crestiny...Crestiny…_ I rolled the name over in your mind. I decided it was limp name that was unfitting of somebody like me.

"Is this the name you want?"

"Yes."

My vision went white as the beginning area dissolved into the Newb grounds. I looked down to see generic red shirt, basic leather armor and white slacks, with a brown buckled sword sheath. I screamed because I was ugly. Newbs who just began the game, and spawned in the same field, were tremendously startled. I kept screaming, obnoxiously and vigorously. At that moment, the other newbs, although like me knew nothing about the game, suddenly discovered sword skills, and beat me within an inch of death.

I cried. Like a wuss.

Halfheartedly I began walking the first floor meadow towards the Town of Beginnings.

Suddenly a Wild Boar LV.1 appeared.

I pulled out my sword and engaged it.

I attacked with an aggressive side slash. The boar tanked the 3 damage and rammed me in the pancreas for 5 damage. I tried to roll under the boar to stab it in the stomach, but it was too short and I ended up rolling into it's legs. It sat on my face and dealt a critical blow for 8 damage. My health bar was in the yellow. I panted and tried to wipe sweat off my face, but couldn't because everything is virtual. Death was all around me. Would I even make it out alive? Holy. Crap.

I tried to enter berserker mode, but there was no option. The boar rammed me in the knees for 4 damage. He did it again and again. 10 damage. Red. My bar was in the red.

I ran.

As I ran, I heard a stab and a loud squeal. A +13 exp 2 gold, appeared in text the bottom of my vision.

I looked back to see a pretty girl player with chestnut hair stab the boar. It seems that my proximity to the boar shared the exp and loot.

Her gamer tag read "Asuna".


	3. Closer than a Fundoshi

I talked to Asuna.

After realizing she saved me, I became her man slave. Although she distinctly said, "Leave me alone you creepy stalker". I knew that this was her heart denying her true need for my loyalty.

I followed her closely, closer than the fundoshi on a man's crotch. Multiple times during our trip to the Town of Beginnings she tried to remove me, like one does to a zit they do not want, but just like a zit, I hung on.

At last we arrived in the Town of Beginnings. Immediately the sky was filled with the almighty presence of Kayaba Akihiko. I peed my pants.

"You scrubs are in my world now. Die!" declared Akihiko

and then the sky was filled with masked mexican wrestlers (lv. 70) who proceeded to pound the crap out of me. Just me.

"Let this be a lesson to you all. The Nerve Gears are connected to an automated messaging system. Should you die in this world or try to remove it early, the Nerve Gear will clamp itself on your head and signal Mexico. A professional wrestler will be shipped to your home address and pound the crap out of you. And you will die.

So don't die in this world, 200 families have already made the mistake of attempting to remove their member's helmet, and I assure you that member is now in wrestling heaven.

"Have fun, amigos." And with a snap, crackle, and pop Akihiko returned to Neverland.

The cherry colored hexagonal wall that surrounded the city, dissipated. I quivered in pain. Asuna kicked me for good measure and I nearly died.

Standing atop of me like Queen and her carpet. Asuna declared to herself and to anybody who would listen.

"I'm not going to be defeated by that Kayaba! I will return home to my family! I will level and turn into a bad super boss monkey who is cool!"

And then I squealed because Asuna's words were so inspiring that I too wished to return home, even though getting the crap beaten out of me by Mexico's finest was actually my secret desire

And so we set off on our journey!


	4. Son of Poseidon

(Author says, "Ah crap, I forgot all about the mirror. Might as well throw it in now. I'm sorry my dear readers.")

Asuna and I took a single step towards the exit. The cherry colored hexagons immediately came down again.

"Hello players. It seems I have forgotten a present!" declared Kayaba. Suddenly, eight thousand virtual mirrors appeared in the sky, and rained upon the crowd, many sustained damage, and two were killed. Today was truly the beginning of a dark age.

"Pick up the mirror and gaze into it's infinite wisdom!" sang Kayaba.

The survivors picked up their mirrors and gazed within.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the hunkiest of them all?" said Asuna. She pick up the mirror and proceeded to smash it on my head. I sustained damage. I looked into the broken shards of the mirror and saw my own real-life face. My own gorgeous face.

Dark, oily hair spilled out from my previous hair cut. A classy 5 o'clock shadow appeared on my chin. My chubby avatar transformed into a wild hunk. I was beautiful.

Asuna looked about the same as before.

Then Asuna looked at me with jeweled tears in her eyes. She said, "I'm sorry. I know we've had our differences, but this time I must ask that you not follow me in anymore."

"Butt, butt..." I protested.

"I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me. My uncle was killed by a man with an aftershave as festive as yours. I'm sorry, I think I need to take a break before I see you again. At first I hated you, but now I have intense romantic feelings that borderline violent, but I think we weren't meant to be together."

"Butt I love you" I said.

"No, I think I'm meant to find somebody skinnier and wearing a black coat. He might even have two swords, and will be a mechanical genius, who also has a complicated romance. I don't know if I'll ever find somebody like that. Ever. I'm sorry it's not you. It's me." said she. Then she fled in sorrow.

I knelt on my knees and wept for a full sixty seven seconds.

Once my tear ducts could leak no more, I crawled to my feet. My heart beat intensely as I thought about Asuna. And then I closed my eyes and moved on. Oh how manly.

The crowd had thinned as many people had returned to their previous occupations, although now with new intent on leaving this game. I staggered through and saw the parting of two demigods.

"Kirito my love, you can't go alone" cried Klein son of Posiedon.

"But, I must" said Kirito champion of Troy, and his soft and chocolatey voice was so full of tenderness that even Kayaba was touched, all the way in Neverland. " You see, I am not strong enough to protect even one person. My biceps struggled even at this 1st floor, there is no way I can continue like this, I must train. " And his silky flowy hair fluttered in the wind as he spoke so softly.

"Fine" cried Klein, as he spoke he swelled his mighty chest and burst through the durability parameters of his clothing leaving him gorgeous , "but if you must go. Then at least remember my words. We will always be… Nakama."

And Kirito waltzed away, as his calves glistened in the artificial sun, and his eyes moist with new tears.

Moved by this display of holiness, I ran towards Kirito. "No, I can not let one so pure as you be soiled by this dirty land. Let me be the rug which will shield your footsteps"

"Sure." said Kirito

And so Kirito mounted my back, and whipped me, and I brayed like a donkey.

"We are off my prince!" and we headed off into the wilderness of Floor 1.

The journey begins, yet again!


	5. Everything the Light Touches is Yours

As we left the town I was massacred by low level mobs. Kirito just barely saved me.

Looking at my pathetic and beaten form Kirito said, "Little devil imp, it has come to my attention, that your chances of survival are close to none, if none at all. Therefore, I request that we take a detour to the nearest quest, and win you some equipment."

Being an almighty Beta tester Kirito already knew where to obtain the most savory of equipment. We headed to the grocery in the middle of the forest town.

"Here, my old dog, is where we shall get your sword." said Kirito as we walked into the store.

"Excuse me." said Kirito to a clerk NPC, and swiftly, like a coursing river, Kirito struck the NPC until it died.

A warning blared *Inappropriate Contact Towards NPCs*

"Hurry!" cried Kirito "A hundred-fold we must slay before we can attract the manager!"

And for the first time in my stay in Aincrad, I unlocked berserker mode. It was as if the entire store had turned into a wild and tangled lawn, and I was the mower. Horde after horde, wave upon wave. My virtual muscles, albeit thin, felt freed! I was a new man, nay not a man, a hero.

And there I stood amidst a heap of glowing loot, ninety-three clerks having been slayed. Kirito struck down down the remaining seven and we waited for the manager.

A manager from the floral section walked over.

"Great Akihiko! What the heck is this?! Holy… Is this some kind of sick joke?!" cried the flower manager as he wept greatly for his friends.

As the manager curled into a sobbing ball, Kirito whispered to me, "There he is, the manager. Quick! Defeat him now! If you wait until he reaches the "Walkie-Talkie" phase, then he will summon the entire union and they will be all over your grapes. And you will die."

Slowly I crept up to the flower manager , and punched him dead.

I grabbed the loot.

 **Paper Sack**

Type: Helmet

Durability: 1

Defense: 1

Attack: 0

Sight: -45

Weight:1

 **Shopping Cart**

Type: Two-handed sword

Durability:880

Attack:4

Appeal: Lots

Weight: Your mom

"Great Kayaba almighty!" said Kirito in awe, "you got the rarest drop!"

I equipped it and became the fifth Ninja Turtle.

Thus ended the quest "Secret Medicine of the Forest".


	6. Omake 25

Author: I'll be honest, I just follow the wiki and puke out something. In the real story Kirito has a timeskip for about a month, but I'm a real giver so I'll write some random crap and give you the current stats of my character and we'll call that a filler for the timeskip.

 **Crestiny**

Level: 2

Sprinting: 47/1000 (everyday)

Hiding: 50/1000 (everyday)

Acrobatics: 1/1000 (that time he rolled into a pig)

Howl: 39/1000 (usually in agony. Attracts NPC's and monsters. Increases player hate)

Martial Arts 2/1000

Two handed sword 9/1000 (shopping cart)

Featherweight Wood Equipment 11/1000 (paper bag)

Crying: 100/1000 (Easter Egg skill, does nothing)

Clinging: 77/1000 (Clinginess)

Sword Art Online: Unlimited Mixtapes OVA #25

Kirito was increasing his digging skill in the backyard.

I crawled out from his knapsack and said, "My liege, I've noticed that your lean mean killing machine of a body, so sleek and shiny, is nearly dehydrated. Shall we unpack the water unit?"

"But it has only been 20 minutes since I last quenched my thirst! Surely this is the work of the devil." mused Kirito. But, upon checking Kirito's status, I was shocked to find that my king was instead gravely ill!

"Kirito! Oh Kirito!" I mewled in sympathy, and, like a magic spell, Kirito's health deteriorated drastically and, he was stricken with paralysis and violent nausea.

 _If only we hadn't drunk from the sewer, or eaten raw boar, or licked the bottom of a horse._ My thoughts were stirred into a frenzy, like a boiling kettle, and my eyes became moist at the sight of my weak prince. I cradled his head and cried many tears.

I was tempted to sit in that spot and wallow in my pity until Kayaba pulled my plug. But somewhere, deep in my heart of hearts, I knew that Kirito's life hung in the balance, and it was my duty to save him. Do they not say, "Even if the knight falls, the horse rides on!"

Raring my head like a she-wolf, I howled and ran for medicine. On and on I ran, crying loudly all the while, until at last I saw the swamp. And there I saw it! Gloriously, I grabbed the half used, half sunken, bottle of yak curd that would surely heal the object of my affections. Raising my trophy above my head, I ran faster than a bull in springtime, all the way back to my emperor.

"Drink, no eat, this and be healed!" I bellowed.

Rising with newfound strength Kirito devoured that bottle, biting viciously and tearing it apart. The juices of the bottle added flavor that complemented that yak curd, and the taste was sublime. Kirito ate until he was full, and felt great satisfaction. He was cured. We were happy. Yay.


	7. I hit second puberty and transformed

It's been one month since Sword Art Online began, 2000 people have fallen to the hands of the Kayaba Crusher and his finisher move "The Microwave", and still the first floor remains uncleared.

Our spirits had grown grim and every night both Kirito and I took to crying ourselves to sleep.

One afternoon as we sat at the entrance to Tolbana begging for Cor, as was our usual habit at 8 a.m., a group of extras walked by and we overheard their plans to attend the First Floor Boss Strategy meeting. Like stray dogs we followed them.

"My name is Daviel, King of the Savanna" cried Daviel, Knight of the Savanna "Lend me your ears, tonight we feast on the sad wails of Akihiko as he witnesses our momentous victory over his first floor!" The crowd roared with approval. Some even cried.

"At last, at a great expense, we spent money and followed the instructions in this book written by the beta testers! No longer will we have to think for ourselves, tonight we follow orders like puppets!" The crowd was overwhelmed with joy. Some were emotional.

"No, screw you!" cried Kibao of the Snowflake "Let me be an individual! Isn't it more important that we discover this world for ourselves, rather than have it spoon fed to us? What will we do when we reach levels that surpass the beta testers and their words become obsolete? What then? Will we not be inexperienced novices plunged into the thicket?"

"Boo, we want instantaneous gratification, not long term benefits!" said the crowd, and Kibao was exiled to the meadows, where he spent many moons in sorrow.

"Now that we have reached unanimous agreement" said Daviel "Let us form cliches, so that later we can discriminate each other for being different." And so the people sought out like-minded people and formed shallow friendships. .

Being of exceptionally petty character, I offered bread with cream to anybody who would listen. Nobody listened. I returned Kirito's cream back to Kirito. I also returned his bread.

Asuna, who had also shown up at the meeting, and had disguised herself in a brown cloak, took pity on Kirito and said, "Party not with this slime, you must not endure his antics. Please ship with me."

I saw the indecision on Kirito's face, having to choose between his soulmate and Asuna. Having mercy on him, I took action and vanished by crawling into his shirt.

"Where did he go?" said Asuna, Starchild. And then, ever famous words were said.

" _H_ _e's in my shirt." ~Kirito the Swallowsong_

Author: Next time on Sword Art Online: Unlimited Mixtapes, Kirito and Co. play piano with a saw!


	8. Rose Konjac

A new dawn was birthed on our heroes as they set out to fight Illfang the Kobold Lord and his sentinels. Knowing that Illfang would change his weapons and attack patterns, the group was level-headed and left plenty of margins for error, including extra potions and a retreat plan. They were prepared to adapt.

Diabel died on the way there, or something like that.

The room to the dungeon opened with a fearsome slam. Illfang the Kangaroo roared his battle cry and flexed his muscles. Unwavering, Kirito flexed back which took off three bars of his health.

Asuna was really fast or something. Kirito was impressed.

Illfang lost his marbles at his last bar and went aggro. Everybody sustained a lot of damage, but coped with it properly. Through team strategy and a bit of luck Illfang was defeated, with Kirito giving Illfang the final blow. It was called "Pregnant Stab".

Kirito put on a cloak to look cool, but the crowd took it the wrong way and thought he was arrogant.

The people yelled, "You think you're better than us because you got the promo item as a beta tester? You're just a dirty beta tester! You're a cheater! No not a cheater… a beater!"

"What the heck is a beater?"

"I don't know. We should try something that actually has meaning..."

"hm… _You're a turd_."

"Yea that works, you're a turd."

"Turd! Turd! Tuuuuurrrddddd."

And so SAO's first boss battle ended on "Turd. Turd."

Author: Where's Crestiny in this story? Crestiny was still in the shirt, sobbing uncontrollably. He didn't think Kirito was a turd.


	9. Christmas Came 459 Days Early

(Author: I tried to read the summary of Rondo of a Fragile Blade off the wiki, but I didn't get it.)

Kirito, Hero of Troy, beheld into the second floor. Thundering from the floors above Kayaba Akihiko in a pink spandex crashed into the floor before him and howled at Kirito's recent victory. I, in my good nature, attempted to fight Kayaba in Kirito's place, but the pink devil produced a large leather belt and whipped me. Kirito chanted in the ancient language and Kayaba was banished for now. I bled fearsomely.

Kirito's ears, which could detect the vomiting of a caterpillar, overheard the anguished cries of a newb.

"Let me into this bar, pox ridden NPC!" raged player A

"No. You are lame." replied the NPC.

Enraged, like a crocodile in the fall, player A rushed at the NPC with a spoon. The NPC received critical damage, but like the manly man he was, removed the spoon from his abdomen and dealt a vicious blow to player A. Rain fell on the cold virtual floor as player A held his hand to his face and wept for his loss.

"If only I had an upgrade. If only it was a spork…"

And then he died. Thus another valuable life has ended.

"Upgrade." Like the violent spasms of a beaver in summer, Kirito's mind was lit aflame with the idea of upgrading. Seeking out Asuna he brainwashed her with upgrade propaganda and together they sought out materials to upgrade their swords.

First they stole the souls of a thousand blades of grass. Then the shoelaces of a young girl. Then the food from a baby's mouth.

After much heaving and sweating and grunting, Kirito and Asuna had amassed an unholy amount of random trash. They presented this to the swordsmith, Mr. Manju.

Mr. Manju broke their swords.

Speechless Kirito and Asuna spent the next seven nights fasting and keeping vigil for their lost swords. On the eighth night they tried to sacrifice Crestiny to Kayaba, but he was ignored based on his worthlessness.


	10. The Day the Music Died

Hi, my name is Crestiny. It's been a long eon since I have spoken, and I have gestated quite nicely inside Kirito shirt. It is time for my birth.

(Author: "This is my way of saying, 'Hi, I'm back and I have all 7 Dragonballs.)

Kirito sat patiently in the Moonlit Black Cats guild awaiting Sachi and the Extras to return from their questing. He sat gracefully, like a heavy and noble statue, amused by the simple banterings of his guildmates who were eons away from his level and skill.

Presently the conversation turned from idle gossip to questing.

"Fellow countrymen" said Groupie leader, "It has come to my attention that our fighting ability is on par with a maimed rabbit. And because of that, I have deemed it is most appropriate to seek only the most dangerous and swarthiest of dungeons."

"But I don't want to die" whined Sachi of the Feeble Kitten

"Neither do I" replied Groupie "But for marginal gain and expensive weapon skins? I would trade my family!"

Kirito was so moved by their irrational and hasty decision planning that he went into labor twelve months early and gave birth to me. It should be duly noted that in my Second Genesis my powers and abilities are improved by exactly 1 stat and that my worthlessness has increased by ten-fold.

Having formed their half-baked plan they decided to split off into groups and do things. Keita, the leader, decided to buy a house and Sachi decided to have semi-romantic relationships with Kirito. I burned with jealousy.

Deep into the night before the raid, as I hid under Kirito's bed like a mangy stray cat hoping for food, I heard someone coming into the room. On instinct, I nearly leapt out from under the bed to embrace Kirito into my loving bosom. However, right before my body became exposed to the moonlight, I realized that it was actually Sachi who came into the room.

 _The sly vixen!_ I thought _She is here to hide under the bed as well!_ And I sprawled my body to claim more of the underworld beneath Kirito's bed. However, Sachi did none of that. Instead she pulled out voice recording cube (jewel? thing?) and mumbled something into it and then sung Happy Birthday.

After she left the room, I listened to what she recorded. It was advertisements and spam.


End file.
